Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Episodes 3 & 4

The Rock Star Pageant is fast approaching and Mama needs to make her limited budget go further.  She is a proud couponer, and she has been known to save a lot of money during her family shopping shenanigans.  Apparently after they get a few seasons Honey Boo Boo and Hoarders under their belt, they will audition for Extreme Couponing.  A&E will have a field day, if TLC ever gives up on this family.  As an aside, I don’t know how their diet is stacking up because when they are giving their “diary” moments they are shoveling down sweets in between questions.

Extreme Couponing

             I feel bad for Mama as her delinquents see her thrifty couponing as being cheap!  Mama is proud to admit that couponing is better than sex.  I guess if she isn’t having it on a regular basis, she might just stop missing it all together.  I have to admit this lady knows her craft.  She gets stuff for pennies on the dollar or in other scenarios the product is free.  However, half the crap she buys is nutritionally bankrupt.  This raises the question; can you really put a price on Type II Diabetes?  You can if it's double coupon day!  Pumpkin finds Mama some rust stain remover for the folds underneath her neck, and Mama is offended.  She says she can look good when she wants to, so I guess that means only on special occasions like a night of Redneckin.  The look on the cashier’s face was priceless, as her checkout process takes anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half.  

Did I just have a stroke?  TLC basically captions the entire episode, as you cannot understand half the things these people say!  So, if I miss any details, it’s probably because I couldn’t read the subtitles fast enough.

            Glitzy is still living the life of luxury after a week at the Boo Boo residence.  With the help of Glitzy, Honey Boo Boo is busy making a baby shower gift for Chikadee, as she is in her third trimester.  Glitzy and HBB paint their gift for baby Kaitlyn, and Mama thinks they make a great pair.  Every time the pig is touched it starts squealing and Mama thinks that’s just Glitzy’s way of calling out Alana’s name.  So if it isn’t enough that it squeals 24/7, but now TLC captions it making people think it’s really squealing Alana!   Honey Boo Boo is in love with him, and she is also happy that Mama hasn’t decided to turn it into Sunday supper.  Well, it must be a powerful hot day in Georgia, as the family is regretting not having a swimming pool.  They decide to make a redneck slip and slide as their old one broke.  I didn’t know you can break these toys.  In order to make a new one, apparently all you need is soap, baby oil, water and a tarp.  For a brief moment I thought 7 month pregnant, Chickadee was going to try it out too, but fortunately for her and the fetus growing inside her, she abstains.  Speaking of abstinence, I wonder where her baby daddy is hiding?  The slip and slide doesn’t provide enough fun, so Mama encourages Chubbs and Pumpkin to mud wrestle.  If anything else, I guess it can be great practice for their future careers after the show.

         With the pageant being only weeks away, mama decides that it’s time that Honey Boo Boo Child starts to see a new coach.  Amanda Carter owns, her own business, and is teaching HBB a new dance routine.  I got to admire her spirit as she says she’s going to rock it like a ‘stuperstar’  I don’t have kids, so I don’t pretend to know anything, but the dance moves she has her doing are awfully inappropriate.  I guess you have to do what it takes to win Grand Supreme, even if you have to parade your kid on a stage built on broken dreams and hair extensions.

Notice the blurred out spot on the table...

  I think Glitzy needs to go live on that ‘farm’ of abandoned animals because it’s just making itself too comfortable in their house.  According to HBB it “ooo’d” itself all over the dining room table.  I hope they have stockpiled some Clorox wipes to clean up that pig mess. 

             Week 3 of the weight loss competition starts off with a family weigh-in.  If I had to guess, I will say they all probably have gained some weight.  Unless they discovered a new diet where they can eat all the candy, soda, cookies and chips their overworked hearts desire.  Chubbs lost 2 pounds!  I am excited for her, and I hope she does lose some more weight this summer.  I don’t know how she did it, but Mama managed to lose 6 pounds.  She wants to lose 33 more pounds because in her medical opinion, it’s not healthy to lose too much weight at one time.  Maybe she will actually start holding in the gas every now and again.  Pumpkin was the only one in the house to gain weight, and it’s probably because she is torturing her mom by eating Oatmeal Cream Pies right in front of her. 

           

             Chickadee has her baby shower at her grandma’s house.  Mama doles out some more sex advice after admitting that Chickadee’s baby daddy isn’t around.  “All boys want is to get a piece of your biscuit” She would liken everything to food metaphors.  What is a baby shower without some fun games?  They let the 5 and 6 year old at the party see who could chug the baby bottle the fastest.  Flash forward 10 years, and some boy after their biscuits is going to prey on their emotional distress.  When Mama competed in the game, she “accidentally” ate part of the nipple of the baby bottle.  
 

**Episode 2**

            The girls get to spend a few hours at the local spa as Mama found a great deal.  I am pretty sure it was the spa’s idea of some free publicity, as I don’t think there are ever buy one get 4 treatments free.  Who knows?  They may have had double coupons for that day.  Either way, they will definitely think twice before inviting the Clampett’s back to their spa. 

Who wouldn't love this?

Honey Boo Boo and Mama get facials.  Mama wants to paint up the ole’ barn door for her anniversary date with Sugar Bear that night.  She seemed pretty happy to get some of her vajigglejangle cleaned up for the big night of romance.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.  The other three girls get pedicures since Mama and HBB got their facials.  It was like a scene from Dumb and Dumber as the massage therapists had to break out the heavy-duty equipment to sandblast some of the rougher edges.  Mama was too embarrassed to have her feet shown on camera.  When she was younger her foot was run over, so she now affectionately calls it forklift foot.  So instead of letting them paint her toenails, she has them paint toenails onto her socks.

           

It apparently not only takes a village to raise a family, but it also takes a village to make Mama presentable.  All four girls helped their mom look good for Sugar Bear that night.  Who knew that Sugar Daddy wasn’t the kids’ father!  They have only been dating for 8 years, and as Maury Povich would put it, he is Alana’s father!  She apparently has rejected his marriage proposals on a few occasions.  Mama, take my advice.  You aren’t getting any younger, and if someone wants to actually have relations with you, grab on and don’t let go.   I wouldn’t be surprised if he proposes to her, and they get another TLC show about her wedding.  They could call it The Real Bridezilla!  Sugar Daddy says it was love at first sight, and Mama confesses it was more bed at first sight.  She apparently needs to test the milk before she buys or eats the cows that she calls lovers.

            Sugar Daddy goes all out in trying to impress Mama by taking her to Crockett’s Cafeteria.  Nothing says true romance like deep fried food.  I think she fell off the diet train with the all you can eat buffet.  Continuing with the grand, romantic gestures, he buys Mama a 50 pound bronze deer.  He says it symbolizes their connection with the animal.  That connection being finding deer dead on the road, skinning it, grinding it and throwing it in the freezer for food throughout the year.  Sugar Bear is obsessed with the deer, and he wants to name it. 

            Alana felt bad for not getting her parents anything for anniversary, so in true redneck fashion, she decided to TP their house with all of the free toilet paper from Mama’s couponing days.  You better redneckognize!  Of course Mama was upset as she sees that as throwing good money in the trash.  $10 says they still use that toilet paper in the future.  Well, no matter how hard Sugar Daddy tried, he didn’t get his dessert biscuit that night.  At least they aren’t bringing another child into this world. 

            Well, it might be summer, but that doesn’t mean that Honey Boo Boo isn’t getting ready for her next pageant.  Unfortunately, her glitz dress does not fit, and that can set one back $3000-$4000!  How is this even possible?  How can someone dump so much money into something that yields basically nothing?  Miss Lacey is the family’s style guru, and she fit Alana for a new dress.  Apparently she isn’t very good as she poked Honey Boo Boo six times with a needle.  It leads to a perfect cutaway where Alana says, “She best be glad she didn’t poker her!”  How can this kid not have won anything yet?  Since Honey Boo Boo is getting a new dress, of course Glitzy needed one too!  PETA is going to be all over this family in the upcoming weeks.