**I
started watching this show this weekend, and I have now set up a season pass on
my DVR**
I begin this next blog with some trepidation. You
might think that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is too trashy and not blog worthy,
but in reality my hesitation comes from my fear of not doing this show
justice. Why do I need to narrate what happens, when Alana, (Honey
Boo Boo Child) does it so well for me. This show revolves around
Honey Boo Boo and her family. The series begins by laying the
groundwork for the Glitz Pageant to take place at the end of the
summer. Honey Boo Boo has three sisters, who she describes so
perfectly. “Pumpkin the craziest, “Chickadee” the pregnantist, and
“Chubbs” her favorite. “Mama” is the matriarch of the family, and
“Sugar Bear” is Mama’s baby daddy.
I will say I am insanely jealous and perplexed by the amount
of paper towels, shampoo, toilet paper and other non-perishable items they have
stockpiled. I wonder if they are trying to audition for Hoarders
after this season wraps up.
Surprisingly Honey Boo Boo has yet to win Grand Supreme at
any of the pageants in which she has competed. Maybe it’s because Honey
Boo Boo’s belly has a mind and mouth of its own. She makes it talk
to the camera, and I am thinking she needs a new talent for upcoming competitions.
The family decides to get in some TLC (see what I did there?)
by going to the Redneck games. The family compared these games to
the Olympics, but with all the missing teeth I saw, I would bet that half of
the competitors would test positive for meth. Pumpkin does the
family justice by taking home the bronze in bobbing for raw pig’s
feet. The next competition is a team challenge as Chubbs and Honey
Boo Boo’s tummy go for the gold in the mud hole belly flop
competition. Mama and the rest of the family were in the splash
zone, and even though she didn’t medal, I think she had the best belly flops.
USA! USA!
After the heartache of losing the Redneck games (I would
consider losing winning, but to each their own) the family heads home for some
snacks. Chubbs broaches the subject of wanting to drop some weight
during the summer, so she seeks the sage of advice of Mama. Mama
convinces the girls that if they fart 12-15 times a day, they can lose tons of
weight. Hopefully, we can revisit this subject later on in the season.
Honey Boo Boo decides to compete in the All Natural pageant,
where the kids aren’t allowed any makeup, spray tans, flappers,
etc. The judges are just looking for great smiles and big
personality. Based on that criteria alone, Honey Boo Boo should take
home first! However, her parents let her get chocolate coffee wasted
before the show. Honey Boo Boo is heartbroken that she didn’t win,
and this is kind of heartbreaking to watch. How can parents subject
these kids to judgment at such a young age? A kid named Conner takes
home the crown, thus proving that gender is not an obstacle to be tackled in
child pageants. The Rock Star Diva pageant is to take place in the
next few weeks, so hopefully Honey Boo Boo can perfect her walk and eye contact. In
the words of Honey Boo Boo, “Ain’t no one bringing home that crown but me,
Honey Boo Boo Child!”
Mama wants to cheer up Honey Boo Boo by buying her a teacup
pig, which is something Honey Boo Boo has always wanted. The pig is a boy, but
Alana wants to make it gay pig by turning it into a girl. Chubbs says you
can’t just turn animals gay, and Honey Boo Boo gave the perfect pageant answer,
“You can’t tell that pig what to do!”
Fresh off the Natural Pageant loss, Mama decides to bring in
outside help to help address the judges’ comments from the Natural
Pageant. According to Honey Boo Boo’s tummy, “those judges were
nuts!” Miss Hickey the Etiquette Instructor, comes to teach Honey
Boo Boo and Pumpkin to become real, refined ladies. I would say that
Miss Hickey had her work cut out for her from the start. After a
failed attempt at showing the girls dining manners, she quickly
bolts. Apparently she views farting and blowing your nose rude at
the table. The only rule during meals at my house was to keep one
foot on the floor, so I can’t blame them for not knowing all of the steadfast
rules of fine grazing….I mean dining. Miss Hickey stressed the
importance of future lessons, but I doubt she would take that job again.
The family then makes their weekly trip to the auction
house. I now understand why they have so many
non-perishables. Mama wanted to use this time to look for baby items for
Chickadee and pageant items for Honey Boo Boo. Unfortunately, Mama
only bought chips and cookies, which Honey Boo Boo was quick to point out that
these were bad for their diet. Who knew the voice of reason would
come from the girl who thinks Elvis is one of Santa’s helpers.
Chickadee had an ultrasound appointment, and apparently Mama
thought this would be a good time to have the talk with Honey Boo
Boo. She likens the vagina to a biscuit. That’s all I am
going to say on that subject. Honey Boo Boo is fascinated with the
ultrasound, that she convinces the doctor to search for chicken nuggets she had
for lunch. Sugar Bear will probably be disappointed that their
numbers are growing with another girl, but it will be worth a renewed season
watching Aunt Honey Boo Boo take care of her new niece.
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