The family is starting off their
Christmas in July fundraising event by setting up some lawn ornaments during
the hottest part of the day. My mind
immediately shoots to Uncle Eddie and Snots. “She’s a real beaut, Clark!” The set up goes off without a
hitch, except for some heat strokes and electrocutions. It’s amazing they survived as long as
they have so far. Why put on shoes
when you can just where socks outside, asks Mama? You might as well just go bare foot at this point. Oh, but I forget she has forklift foot
to hide from the public. I hope
that TLC does a grand unveiling of her foot at the end of the season. Between Pumpkin complaining about
manual labor and Chickadee about to go in labor, I can’t handle this
already. Christmas is Honey Boo
Boo’s favorite holiday, and it if were up to her, she would never take down the
decorations. For a family that is
currently perpetuating so many stereotypes, I am shocked that they just don’t
leave up their decorations year around!
And to set off the entire scene, they have two sets of train tracks that
go by their house every 30 minutes or so.
You know, it really does set the perfect “Redneck” Christmas in July
motif.
Well according to Alana, she has
been practicing her Rock Star routine, but when they go to the high school for
extra practice, she is thoroughly confused. She has a defeatist attitude, and just lays on the ground in
disgust. You can’t win a Grand
Supreme if you don’t put in the work! However, she is convinced she will win
with the help of Glitzy. “Me gusta
Glitzy.” “Mi nombre es Alana.” I
can’t understand half the things she says, but she knows Spanish? Where did she learn this talent? She should use it for her
pageants. Granted she says it with
the thickest southern accent, but she still speaks it. Mama doesn’t think that Glitzy is going
to be a part of the family much longer.
She says it’s because it keeps her up at night, but I think she is
losing her resolve from turning Glitzy into bacon. She says it’s too much work to raise the pig, and she said
that’s just not for her family!
Ain’t nobody got time for that! They then show a montage of Glitzy moments. It really just involves Glitzy biting
Honey Boo Boo, ooo’ing on the kitchen table, and squealing all day long. Don’t fret though! If you really want to know where Glitzy
is now, simply logon to tlc.com/honebooboo I kid you not, they have a Glitzy tracker. I will save you the suspense; he is
currently rotting in the bowels of Mama.
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| Mama vs Glitzy |
To cheer everyone up, the family
decides to visit their family friend Crazy Tony. He loves to ride his four-wheeler, and he even shows off
some of his better moves.
Sometimes he even manages to stay on, but most other times, he crashes
into the ditch. You would think he
would wear a helmet, but I guess he would have to go by just Sane Tony, and
that’s not fun. They partake in a
Southern tradition of mud bogging.
Pumpkin loves intertubing in the mud, and she gets thrown around a
couple of times. I guess this is
to make up for Mama not letting her getting in the flesh eating bacteria pond,
known as the redneck bathtub, during the Olympics…I mean Redneck Games. Crazy Tony even uses the four-wheeler
to pick up pumpkin by the feet and hang her from the tree. I have to truly wonder where they come
up with these hidden gems.
Throughout the entire day everyone wanted to see Mama getting dragged
through the mud, but she has an aversion to messing up her beautimus. The real reason, according to Sugar
Bear, is that once she gets in, she can’t get out!
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| Mama says she's beautimus! |
Sugar Bear has graciously decided
to dress up as Santa for tonight’s charity event. The entire time he is getting ready, Mama is sexually harassing
him. She has a fetish for men in
costumes. I am no expert, but I
thought this meant police or firemen costumes and not one for fictional
characters. Maybe she can get her
own segment on my strange addiction and pretend to have a furry habit!
At the Christmas in July event, if
you bring a canned good or a small toy, you get to sit on Santa’s lap and ask
for gifts. The top requests for
the night were iPhones and four wheelers.
Santa didn’t do such a great job, and some of the kids just donated
their cans and passed on the whole sitting on Santa’s lap. I think they were revolted when they
saw Mama sitting on Santa’s lap.
Well, I think they raised a total of 4 toys and 8 cans of food, and Mama
made sure that everyone knew they are all about giving back to the
community.
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| This is just a funny pic of the country gas station... |
Later that night all through the
house, not a creature was stirring, except for the fetus growing inside of
Chickadee. She starts to have
contractions, and she says she wants the baby out now! Mama knows she still has 6 weeks to go,
but Chickadee insists that the baby is hurting her biscuit. You see kids? If you give your privates names like biscuit or hot dog, you
become pregnant at 17. Mama alerts
the paramedics that it feels like she has to poop and pee at the same
time. In all seriousness, I hope
she is fine, and Mama rides with her in the ambulance to the hospital. Talk about a cliffhanger ending!
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